It was 7:15 in the evening, Lavin displayed signs of being tired nearly an hour for his bedtime. As I nursed him and went about the nightly routine of reading, singing lullabies, and goodnight kisses my mind circled in joy with things I could do once he was asleep. Ray was at a training so I could have the house to myself. I would have a glass of wine! I would start a load of laundry and one of dishes, organize our newly installed kitchen, have a brownie with both hands free…so many things. I knew I could get them all done in under an hour!
Lavin went down quickly and I tiptoed out of the room and down to the main level. I poured a glass of wine and got to the housework. As I was starting up the dishwasher and organizing cupboards, I remembered some laundry was upstairs so I crept back up the stairs, strategically missing the squeaky steps. As I approached the doorway the floorboards creaked loudly. I heard Lavin stir and peeked in just in time for his little eyes to register his mommy. His tears followed shortly after. I tried to comfort him as my mind took off again, I had laundry to do and was halfway through my organizing project. “Shhhh, shhh, sweet boy you’re okay…” but he was awake. As I scooped him up the weight of his little body centered me in the moment. His crying ceased immediately and his little tooth buds shown back at me with a smile. He put his weight into me and sighed in contentment. I brought him downstairs to rock him and read with him.
It didn’t matter that there was a box half complete on the counter, that the laundry was scattered down the basement stairs or that the brownies were still stowed away in the kitchen. The weight of my baby in my arms grounded me in the moment. My friends who were coming this weekend would not care how organized our home is, they won’t notice the undone laundry in the basement, and honestly I need to care less about those things too. Lavin won’t care about those things either. He will care that his mother took time to hold him in these fleeting baby months, that his tears were wiped and his mother was there for him and with him in the moment.
Tonight I chose less clean, less tidy, and less order. I received more connection, more love and more being. For today I remembered to choose less so I could give and receive so much more.